FUCK you FUCK that. This is SUCH bullshit. Everything lately.... what the fucking hell is going on.... i MAY be drunk right now.... but why WHY WHY WHY WHY must the world attack me when i'm down? I just don't get it. I hate you. I fucking hate YOU and YOU and you and you and YOU. End of story. I don't understand. I FUCKING HATE ALL OF THIS. ALL OF YOU. FUCK.

August 23, 2005 an old journal entry. My thoughts on myself...

Looking in the mirror earlier, i was picking out all the dumb things about myself that usually i hated, but at that particular moment in time, those were (are) the things i love most about myself. They define who i am in this world. They make who i am special and unique. I have a way of seeing threw peoples outer shells and reaching in to their inner selves. Which sucks for me because that makes me so manipulative and i easily have feelings for people. Right off the bat i see who the person can be. Not who they always are, but i see deep down, who they wanna be, and usually, its someone great. But people look at me and think wow, she's a hottie with a body, maybe i could get some from her. They just like to see me dance and hope they can grind behind me and touch my butt. But if they really knew me, i mean, the real me... behind the face, the abs, the butt, and whatever else... They would see that i am so much more then what i am to the eye. When I'm out on the dance floor i feel the beat within my head and it triggers something that makes me want to explode, its not about getting the guys to stare at my ass, its me expressing my feelings threw my body. This is going no where....... i can't explain my thoughts tonight. What I am trying to say has nothing to do with dancing.... I'm just bumming out about Joey, which is dumb, because a second ago i had the strength to forget about him. It just freakin sucks so bad. I want to be treated good. But I've never known what good was until Joey showed me the other day which is crazy cuz we aren't going out or anything. No guy has ever been that nice to me... ever. Not my ex-boyfriends, not even my brother or my dad. I have always just been, kinda, there. I always give as much as i have, but i never receive. I never get thanked or paid back. I just get thrown away. And i don't know why. I just want someone to be there for me and truely care about ME on the inside out. Not from the outside in. I deserve so much better then to just be pushed around. Today, looking in the mirror, i saw me..... from the inside out. And i was just as beautiful. I'm just waiting for someone else to see it too. Goodnight notebook!- weakling!!!

A Quote From Audrey Hepburn

For attractive lips,
Speak words of kindness.
For Lovely eyes,
Seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure,
Share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair,
Let a child run their fingers threw it once a day.
For poise,
Walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People,
Even more then things have to be restored,
Renewed,
Revived,
And redeemed.
Never throw out anyone.
Remember....
If you ever need a helping hand,
You will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older,
You will discover you have two hands.
One for helping yourself,
And the other,
For helping others.

This is prob one of my favorite quotes i heard... my sophmore year in highschool in my poetry class. I thought of this quote last night when i was wathing TV. MTV had one of there little Think.MTV campaigns on about poverty, aids, helping others etc... and there is a huge part of me that is totally all about helping others... Yet i just can't seem to balance that part of me with my everyday life. I've done walks for diabetes and breast cancer. I've volunteered at soup kitchens and been incharge of organizing food drives at school... My senior year i actually tried to organize a spring break trip for the senior class to go down south and help with the katrina clean up....But i guess people weren't having that... So now ive been outta school so i don't really have the connections to do things. I donate to many organizations... i've prob given like $100 bucks total (which isn't a lot but a lot for me!) to different foundations and stuff. I would rather just put in personal time though... MUCH more rewarding. However i can never find anyone who wants to! Last year i was going to run for Aids! Some people said they were going to do it with me, i got a bunch of money then everyone bailed!!! so i ended up just donating the money cuz i didn't wanna go alone. Which may sound dumb, i guess i could have. But it was suppose to be fun! But anyways, this is the part of me that wants to join the peacecorps eventualy sometime in my life. I know someone who has done it and he is the one who inspired me! Well actually i shouldn't say i know him cuz that would be a fib... but i met him... He graduated from the same highschool i did and he took a year or two of french with the same french teacher i had. They kept in contact and i guess he ended up joining the peace corps and going to Cameroon Africa where they predominantly speak french! Me, being a huge "french" person was really interested... it must have been my freshmen year that this guy came in to talk to us in my french class. I skipped all my classes that day and just hung out with him. And watched as he showed pictures after pictures and passed around things he brought back and listened as he remenissed about his great experience. And as i watched and listened to this guy reveal his amazing story, it became clear to me that i wanted to do this too. I wanted to join the peace corps, amoung other organizations and help people. I wanted to give back. I've always really had the mentality of putting other people before myself in situations, and i think its a good quality to have. But anyways... i just feel like i'm limited, like i can't do much to give back! Its hard cuz i have to work so much, therefore leaving little to no time to volunteer. I don't have money, therefore leaving me little to no money to give to foundations and walks and good causes. I can't even donate blood cuz i'm too little!!! you have to weigh 110 lbs and at my rate, i'll NEVER weigh that much so i'll NEVER be able to donate blood!!! So anyways.... this is kind of a random weird post.... but its kinda been my thoughts and feelings since last night.

The Scientist....

I don't know what to think. This i guess is a phrase i'll keep repeating now and into the near future... why me? i guess thats my response to myself for now. But anyways... Was looking threw some old stuff that i wrote.... I came a accross a depressing entry in an old journal, but a very true to heart one that i actually ended up using in my creative writing class as the prelude to a suicide story i wrote........ yeah......... i havn't always been the bubbly bouncing off the walls me that everyones come to love and like.... So anyways.... Here it is.

"I"

I never give up on anyone; but i do on everything.

I trust people when i shouldn't; but people don't trust me when they should.

I believe in the misunderstood thats in every living soul; but i misunderstand the actions that they put forth.

I see the potential of every breath taken; but where's the potential in me?

I am passionate when i find someone i love to care about; but for some reason, they don't love to care about me back.

I have a lot of friends who do stupid things that i tell them not to do; but WHO was the one who did it not to long ago?

I have all these thoughts and opinions that change and grow in time; but where did the time go, and why did they have to change?

I feel as if the world is standing still with no worries or a way; and i'm moving so quick and think too much and miss the moments to be cherished.

I have a heart that's been trampled on a couple of time's, but still its open to love; but since the last time Love's left, it hasn't showed up at my door again.

So, i feel broken inside with tears falling down; and people look right threw the pain in my eyes.

I don't seem like i'm sad becasue i don't want to be sad anymore;

but the screams inside remind me everyday.

I know now that somehwere along the way, something happened; I lost a piece of who i am.

I don't know what it is; but i want it back.

I don't want anyone to feel the way i do so i try to be SO good to everyone else; but nobody appreciates anything i do.

I know that someday someone will.

So until then.

I will keep trying.

-T.L.Heide

Thursday September 18, 2008

Wow.... so its Thursday.... How do I even begin this entry? How could I get myself into such a situation where I’m confused beyond belief? Question of the day.... can we be just friends? Or not? Do I want to be just friends? Or not?......

Tuesday September 16, 2008

This morning was a very traumatic morning at my house. My mom came to pick up my cats. My babies. And take them to the vet. They are losing their manhood this morning. Yep. Sucks for them! At least they won't smell up the house anymore! But I can't wait to go pick them up after work and see them. I hope everything goes smoothly! AH the everday worries of a mommy! ....moving on from that topic (I’m sure I’ll be back to it shortly)..... So last night was interesting to say the least. Never thought I’d hear those words come out of his mouth. Reference to taking a "break". Hmmmm. I'm not quite sure how I’m taking that yet.
Been logged in for almost 15 minutes and no no calls yet. Wow, it's going to be a great day, I can tell!
Why does it have to be so damn cold in here!? Wow! Why did I wear a skirt? Lol OH WAIT! I remember why! (I’m terrible). (I like it when I get butterflies in the morning!) :-) I DO have a reason to be optimistic!!

Monday September 15, 2008

Monday morning came all to soon..... I'm sitting at work waiting to punch in. This sucks. Not much sleep last night! Hmmmmm I wonder why! I thought, or at least, was thinking, that I'd try and get a job at Waukesha Memorial. But in the NICU. I enjoyed the nursing home so I shouldn't let my CNA go to waste.... But I won't do this for while.... But anyways... my brain is numb right now. Monday's SUCK. the end.

Okay.... headset is on and first call came through right away. Seems like the call volume is up today, we might be busy! Weird! So since I can't READ anymore, I didn't bring any magazines.... so I’ll be writing today. I think that I really want to make some changes in my life. Suddenly, I have a motivator! (thank you Buyseasons). Though that almost seems ridiculous to say. How that works, I’m not quite sure. He doesn't know it, but his presence is almost inspiring; hopeful. Keeps me feeling like some day my own life will work out whether it’s with MY "other half" or someone I don't even know yet. Or nobody!! (Another call....crazy lady!) I have all these torn thoughts about what I’m doing with myself. What my 'true' goals are and how I go about gauging what they should be at this point in my life. Whether I should play the responsible role. Concentrate on working, saving money, going to school, paying bills, not partying, blah blah blah..... Or try to be more carefree. I'm 19. I'm too serious. Should I "chillax" more? Go to college parties? Focus more on being the beer pong champ instead of showing up on time at work every day? OBVIOUSLY there is some sort of middle role I should be playing. But I can't seem to find it. Lately, I’ve fallen more into the responsible role. I'M in charge of the money. I'M the one setting the alarm so we get to work, not on time.... but EARLY. I listen to Frank Sinatra in the morning and watch the news and drink wine instead of a case of beer. (don't get me wrong... occasionly I party it up and throw back some beers but....) What kind of 19 year old am I? I think a huge part of it though, is because I’ve been so hurt by all the wrong people. I'm starting to wonder if the human race is capable of actual, sincere affection, compassion, gratitude, honesty.... with no loop holes, or AND IF OR BUT'S! No pay backs or back stabbing. No judgments or accusations. Just TRUTH. I think it’s impossible! Even I can't do it. Right now I’m even passing judgment on this lady sitting next to me. Oh my god.... SHUT UP!!!!!!
Anyways..... Like I was saying.... Its one thing when random people hurt you... it’s another thing when the people you love and care about most, hurt you.
So, I know so far this entry has been all "boo hoo" cry baby whine about life! I get it, we're all going through something at some point! Just let me bitch some more to get it out of my system and then we'll have some fun!!! And don't worry I’m not like cutting on myself or anything!
I've noticed over the past.... oh I dunno.... five years or so, the deflation in my personality. Granted the more you get older, "grow up" and get exposed to more of the "real world", naturally its cruelties put you in check. BUT the harshness of it all should not be SO great as to change you SO drastically. I dunno maybe it's just me having issues. But I don't feel like bitching anymore right now. Break time! When I come back hopefully my entry's will get happier! And maybe even a little mischievous! Peace!

I'm back. It is 9:33AM. I have been logged in at work for two hours now and I’ve recieved only apx 10 calls. Hey!!! At least I’m getting paid for something simple! Heehee it makes me giggle!
SOOOOOOOO....... Here is a little bit about me!
I'm bubbly and usually bouncing off the walls. I don't wanna say I like to be the center of attention but who am I kidding! I like being noticed! I can't eat mac n cheese with a fork it MUST be with a spoon!
My favorite place is down in Vero Beach, Florida. Late at night I walk down to the end of the boardwalk and just lay down on a bench and stare up at all the stars in the sky. A sight you'll never see around here. But the best part is the feeling I get when the cool sea breeze hits my warm sun baked freckled skin, and the smell of salt in the air fills my nose. It truly is the best feeling ever. Nothing but me and the roar of the ocean waves crashing down upon each other. It reminds me of how much power Mother Nature has, and how little we appreciate it.
J'adore francais est le petit prince! C'est une livre des enfants. I enjoy foreign films, you know those ones that people hate with the sub titles! Endochine (spelling might be incorrect) was my favy! I'm totally a hopeless romantic and WAY overly emotional. It's the smallest things that can make my world go round, and it's the smallest things that tear my world apart! Some people just don't understand this.
To the important things.......
Favorite color: Orange
Reason: My sophmore year in highschool in my poetry class, we were talking about (I dunno what its called) some word-color association... We were suppose to come up with the color that best described us. SO first, I thought of a word that best described me. I came up with unique, and the color orange popped into my head. It became evident to me that I associated myself with the color orange....
moving on....
Lucky Number: 16
Reason: My birthday is on the 16th of march! My brothers birthday is on the 16th of January. 16 was my golden birthday, got my drivers license at 16. 16 is a great number for me!
Favorite Food: Pizza with french fries, nacho cheese and ranch dressing on top!
Reason: Alpine Valley. Two years ago. I was snowboarding with the boys and was being all messy and playing with my food. I put all of this together and it was like the best food ever!!! lol
Least Favorite Food: FISH (seafood in general)
Reason: Fish are friends no food! (except stinkin dolphins! Yeah, they think their sooo cute. Look at me, I’m a dolphin, let me flip for you, I know something!)... Finding Nemo... anyone?? Anyways.... I grew up on a lake and when I was young I would go out and snorkel in front of the pier and would hand feed the fish some bread. Well my fish started disappearing.... Then I realized my brother and dad were catching them and my mom was frying them up for dinner.....
Lost Big V: Jet ski on the beach in Vero Beach FL
Reason: No story necessary!
Hometown: East Troy
-Thank god I’m not a redneck hick like everyone else!
Pets: Onyx (aka MR. Onyx) Black and white long haired cat. Male. He is my Pretty man and my lover boy!
Lynx (aka Lynxy, Lynxafer, Lynxy poo) Brown/grey striped short haired cat. Male. He's gay but in denial. We love him just the same.
Thunder (aka Baby!) He's just little.... short haired black (chocolate brown in the light) with random grey hairs.

Sunday September 14, 2008

Today..... where do i start talking about today? Thoughts keep flying around my head and i can't stop thinking about how freakishly confused i am. Never before (okay maybe not NEVER before...) have i questioned things so much. Why does everything have to be so damn complicated....?? THAT is the question that sums it all up! But at the same time.... this has been the coolest breath of fresh air i've had in a long LONG time!...... Yet i'm SO confused.... I mean wouldn't you get swept off your feet if an attractive guy looked at YOU with such desire!!! and just grabbed the back of your head and kissed you so hard yet so soft and was so into you, right in the middle of a store!!! How hot is that!? But how sad and heartbreaking it is when you know that when you part ways, your not really that girl in his life. Not that you necessarily want to be.... i mean, you have your own life and your own "other half".... but still. I can't figure out how i'm actually feeling. And thats kind of scary....

Not the best or longest or most thought out entry for my very first one.....but..... it will do for now. SHHHHHH its seeeepy time! Na Night!
-T